Diablopop

DOWN

2006-01-07T21:23:00.000-08:00

Clearly this web log is dead... for now.

Baked Pineapple

2005-11-25T12:30:00.000-08:00

This is one of my favorites from growing up, so last year I got the recipe from my mom. People always love it, and it's really easy to make. Don't let the name fool you; it's not like a baked apple, but more like a bready pudding. It's an excellent side for T-day, and of course, it always goes well with ham.

INGREDIENTS

      1 can crushed pineapple w/ juice (No. 2 can, 20 oz.)

      5 slices of diced white bread

      3 eggs

      ¼ cup melted butter

      2 tablespoons of flour

      ½ cup of sugar

      dash of salt

INSTRUCTIONS

Preheat oven to 350°.

Beat eggs. Add sugar, flour, salt, crushed pineapple with juice, and 3 slices of diced bread. Mix till bread is soft, then place in a greased (or buttered) casserole dish.

Mix remaining 2 slices of bread with melted butter and sprinkle on top of casserole. (I put extra sugar on top as well)

Bake at 350° for 30-45 minutes till lightly browned.

NL Gamers

2005-11-05T14:30:00.000-08:00

So I’m working on National Lampoon’s Gamers on the National Lampoon college cable network. If you live near a college, you might be able to watch it. Our resources are limited, so be kind.

You may remember a post I made awhile ago about the trouble with video game shows. Our answer to that problem is weird comedy.

Busy, not Lazy

2005-09-20T10:35:00.000-07:00

Nothing is worse than a web log entry apologizing for the lack of entries.

Sorry.

I'm working as a Producer, and exceptionally busy. More on that later.

The View After 4 Years

2005-08-15T13:00:00.000-07:00

I’ve got a very special post for you, my two or three loyal readers (Hi Mom!). More work went into this post than any other post in the long and illustrious history of this web log. Granted, all the work was done between 1999 and 2001, but it’s all going to be here.

Four years ago I “released” an album called The View from August 13th, 2001. In total, I probably distributed about 20 copies, and now I offer this album on my website for the modest price of $6. In truth, I probably couldn’t give this shit away... but today, for you, I will.

The album’s broken into three zip files (good for Macs and PC’s), each containing five songs. They’re high-quality 192kbps Mp3 files, so I hope you’ve got a high-speed connection.

I have my favorites, but almost everyone seemed to like “Emote” the best. “Claw Peels” is probably the most fascinating, assuming you’re familiar with the Santo & Johnny song “Sleepwalk” (clawpeels/sleepwalk... get it?).

I hate disclaimers, but I should warn you that I wasn’t the producing genius that I am now. Some of the songs may sound a bit abrasive, and may delve well into cacophony. You’ll also hear some samples used in multiple songs. Tough.

All right, let’s do this...

[Right click (or control click) and select the appropriate action to download the files.]

View-1.zip (16.7 MB)
01 - Bed Sheets
02 - Day In, Day Out
03 - The Layout
04 - Grifter’s Move
05 - All I Know (feat. Henry Membreno)

View-2.zip (16.1 MB)
06 - Plans pt. 1
07 - Drive an 85
08 - Just How Many
09 - Claw Peels
10 - Emote

View-3.zip (23.9 MB)
11 - In Jack's Defense
12 - Dance for Hanky
13 - Motor Go Girls!
14 - Shangri La
15 - Christmas Tree Farm (feat. Jena Kim)

If you like the album, feel free to share with your friends, but I’d prefer not getting linked to on other websites. Thanks for checking it out, and I hope you enjoy it.

Interrobang

2005-08-10T15:30:00.000-07:00

I pledge to use this amazing punctuation.

"What‽ Can you do that‽"

Yes I can - assuming it shows up in browsers, I'll definitely use it here. As for my job...

As a reality Script Supervisor, I'm focused on organization and efficiency. Even if I can get this thing functioning without screwing up scripts as they move from computer to computer, probably not. I don't have time to dig through wingding fonts every time its use would be accurate. Plus, executives fear the unusual, and the work I do should appear transparent to them, so it depends on whether or not the executives will ever actually look at the scripts. Finally, I don't want to confuse any "talent" doing voiceovers.

Both The Chicago Manual of Style and my edition of Garner's Dictionary of Modern American Usage are quiet on the subject, so I'm going to take that as a sign it hasn't been trashed.

Thanks to J. "interrobang" for raising public awareness (any comments from a professional proofreader?). More info about this important punctuation can be found HERE. You can use it yourself with the code ‽ in HTML documents.

So, the test: please leave a comment and let me know if you can see this...

‽

Thanks.

50 years, 2 days

2005-08-09T13:50:00.000-07:00

Aug. 7th, 1955:
Bill Haley & the Comets appear on The Ed Sullivan Show

While his best music came from a year or two before, Haley's appearance on a show that had massive ratings (only three networks!) is nothing to be ignored. According to this site:

After being used in the hit film about juvenile delinquency "The Blackboard Jungle", Bill Haley & The Comets "Rock Around The Clock" becomes the first rock record to top the Pop Charts, holding the #1 position for two months and remaining in the Top 100 for a then-record 38 weeks. It would be 39 years before that mark was broken.

As for what the bass player is doing in these pictures - he still does it. Here's an article about The Comets now.

= awesome indeed

2005-08-08T20:30:00.000-07:00

Maybe this site is something that's already been passed around from inbox to inbox, but I've never seen it before. And it's funny, damn it.

Stuff On My Cat

Pod Person

2005-08-05T16:10:00.000-07:00

So I’ve stepped into the ranks of iPod freaks. I’m sorry.

Yes there are cheaper players, and yes there are other products that don’t have a cult of geeks obsessing over them. But iPods are extremely easy and pleasant to use, and I can easily interface it with my car stereo.

Not surprisingly, you’re not likely to see me sporting the earbuds as I jog down palm tree-lined streets at dawn, nor will you be seeing my awkward silhouette bouncing around to some disco-rock hipster music in a wash of flat color. Even when I go on hikes through Griffith Park, I probably won’t bring the damn thing, because I like the relative quiet.

I do like to drive though, and I hope that the passenger seat will never swim in CD cases again. The interface works OK with my car stereo. Once the iPod is attached, you cannot operate it manually, you have to use it through the “head unit” of the stereo. Since the car stereo was designed for a CD changer (and has been retrofitted to accept iPods), it was never intended to search through thousands of artists and songs, so the biggest drawback is that the scroll wheel speed is painfully slow. Not good when you’re driving. To compensate, I’ve started screwing with playlists, and even hesitantly accepting a random shuffle of songs.

I swear I’m getting somewhere with this.

I’ve always liked the album product - I like the artwork and cases to put on shelves – but I’m finding the free-floating, un-holdable music in my iPod surprisingly liberating. Not only am I rediscovering a lot of my music collection, but I’m enjoying the contrasts of Blue Moon followed by Big Pimpin’... Cab Calloway steps off stage and Frank Black steps on… Kid Koala and Led Zeppelin co-headline… you get the idea.

The music doesn’t feel tied to anything other than the quality of its sound, and I love that, even if I have to constantly ride the volume knob on the stereo.

Years ago when I lived in New York, I wanted to make the mix tape of all mix tapes (actually a 3 CD concept soundtrack). It was going to be called Capital City, and I knew exactly which songs would be on it. I could never describe what most of the songs had in common with each other, other then they all seemed to fit some science fiction I had in my head. One of my old film professors, Robert Breer, when reviewing all of a student’s films at the end of the semester, would inevitably say “…and it’s all connected because it all comes from you.” Of course I’m not making the music, but it’s my damn aesthetics at work.

I did make a four-hour playlist called Capital City, but it hardly seems necessary now.

It's Glorious

2005-07-10T11:50:00.000-07:00

It doesn't take a genius to figure out how and why I came across this, but I have to share what may be the best amazon review ever.
--------------------
It's glorious!, October 30, 2003
Reviewer: chatchi (Chicago, IL) - See all my reviews

My Sasquatch-like nostrils were becoming unmanageable.

The unsightly nose hairs were so long they would sometimes get tangled, causing me extreme, eye-watering pain. During cold and flu season, it was not uncommon for me to get some "leftovers" stuck in my nose.

I needed something that could tame the beast that resided inside my nose.

I needed something that could cut through dense foliage, and not look back.

Who was up for the challenge? Not many.

I tried a number of different grooming tools, but none of them achieved the level of trimming that I desired. The "pretender groomers" (as I like to call them) would either yank out the hairs at an excruciatingly slow pace, or I would be left with stubble inside my nose. The ladies might like the "George Michael" 5 o'clock shadow, but nobody likes a 5 o'clock shadow in your nostrils.

After many failed attempts, I was convinced that there wasn't a tool available that could handle my rigorous grooming demands. I was ready to give up and resort to using my blunt, miniature scissors for the rest of my life.

And then I discovered the Panasonic Nose and Ear Hair Groomer.

This remarkable piece of equipment mows down everything in its path. No pain, minimal motor noise (for those seeking a discrete trim), and it works equally well in wet or dry conditions. So, worry not Seattle natives!

The one AA battery usually doesn't last long enough for me to complete my grooming ritual, but the 90-minute battery life should be more than sufficient for the rest of you. With an ergonomically designed stainless-steel blade that retains its sharpness, the Panasonic Nose and Ear Hair Groomer is the first and last personal groomer you will ever need.

However, I'm slightly disturbed by Amazon's option to buy it used.

Was this review helpful to you?

The Only Joke I Know

2005-07-08T17:20:00.000-07:00

Below is the only joke I know. It’s best told very late at night, when everyone is tired, fragile, and ready for bed. I heard it years ago on a camping trip when I was probably 15 or 16, and we almost beat up the guy who told it to us.

---------------
Ted and Ed were racehorses, but more than that, they were best friends. They would spend long hours strolling through sunlit glades with the stable dog bouncing happily through the dandelions at their hooves. As best friends, they would talk about past races or maybe about the latest stable gossip. Sometimes they would stand quietly for long hours, enjoying the shade and eating the tall grasses in the meadows.

One day, the stable boy rushed in to the stable with exciting news. “Ted! Ed! You guys are going to race!”

Ed cast a sidelong glace at Ted and snickered, “Imagine that – the two fastest racehorses… racing.” Ted whinnied and shook his head.

“No, no,” said the stable boy, “You don’t understand! You’re racing against each other in three races this week!”

Ted and Ed looked at each other. In all their long years of friendship, the two had never once raced against each other. Ted was the first to speak, “This is interesting. Let’s go for a walk and figure this out.”

“Good idea,” said Ed.

They walked in silence for a long time, both secretly wondering if their friendship could hold up against the competition. Maybe they were only friends because they had never raced. Maybe two racehorses could never really be friends.

Ed broke the silence that had settled in the pastoral glade, “Ted, this could tear us apart. I really treasure your friendship, and I never want anything to get in the way of that.”

“Oh God,” said Ted, “That’s exactly what I was thinking. No stupid race should ever come between us. I mean, we're best friends!”

Ed spoke slowly and sadly, “So what do we do?” Again silence set into the meadow.

At last Ted let out a blow, and said “I got it! You said it yourself; we’re the two fastest racehorses, right? So no matter what, we’re going to take first and second place. Why don’t we just agree to let you win the first race, I’ll win the second race, and we’ll figure out the third when we get to it!”

“Well,” said Ed, “I’ve never given anything less than a hundred percent out there on the track, but if this is what it takes to keep my best friend, I’ll do it!”

Soon it was the big day of the first race. Ted and Ed were lined up at the gate, and gave each other little winks. The gates flew open and out charged the horses. Ed was right, they were the two fastest horses, and they easily sprinted out ahead of the other horses.

In the lead, Ed raced hard, but he knew his best friend wouldn’t challenge him, so he fell into his stride and charged ahead for the finish. As he came to the home stretch, he turned to give Ted a wink, but something was wrong. Ted’s eyes had glossed over and gone fiery red. The gentle horse Ed knew was gone. Ted charged forward, speeding up behind Ed and then passing him right before the finish. Ted had won the race.

Back at the stable, Ted shyly approached his best friend. “Ed?”

“So that’s your plan? Convince me I won’t have to fight for it then beat me before I can do anything about it? Some friend you are.”

“No Ed,” Ted pleaded, “It’s not like that at all. I feel awful. You’re my best friend, and I would never lie to you or mislead you. I can’t explain it. When I got close to the finish, it was like… I don’t know. I couldn’t control myself. It was like I was possessed. I really feel horrible.” Tears were streaming down Ted’s long face. “Won’t you please accept my apology? Please? You can win both of the next races, I promise. I don’t want to lose my best friend.”

Ed couldn’t stand to see his best friend crying, and he felt tears on his own face. “Okay, Ted. I still feel betrayed, but we can work through this.”

The next day they were back at the starting gates. Ed looked over at Ted, but Ted was so guilt-ridden he couldn’t look his friend in the eye. The gates flew open.

None of the other horses compared to Ed and Ted, and soon enough they led the rest by a dozen lengths. As they raced, Ted yelled over the roar of the crowds, “All right, Ed, this one is all yours. I really am sorry about that last race.”

Ed spoke back to his friend, “I know, Ted. You got caught up in the moment or something. We’re racehorses after all.” They were on the home stretch, and Ed raced for the finish with ease. “No racehorse likes to lose, right Ted? Ted? Ted!”

Ted’s eyes once again had gone fiery red, and his nostrils flared as he charged past Ed and crossed the finish line in first place.

Later, Ted slowly walked to Ed’s stall in the stable, his head hanging low. When he looked up he saw that Ed wasn’t there. Feeling horrible, Ted walked around the other stalls, dragging his hooves and asking the other horses if they’d seen Ed. He finally found Ed behind the stable, alone and crying.

Ted called out softly, “Ed. I feel so bad for what…”

“Shut up!” said Ed. “What kind of a friend are you?”

“Look, Ed, I know there’s no excuse for what I did. And I can’t stand that I’ve betrayed your trust twice now.” They were both sobbing uncontrollably now. Ted went on, “What kind of monster am I that I could do that to my best friend? I’ve never felt so bad in my entire life. I want to go back in time and do it all over, and do it right. There’s no excuse. I can’t even trust myself now, so there’s no way I could expect you to trust me.”

“You're damn right I can’t trust you,” said Ed. “I thought we were best friends!”

Ted sniffled and blinked away some tears. “We were. I mean, we ARE. I am so, so sorry for everything. At tomorrow’s race, I’m going to come in last place. I’m going to be so far back that I won’t even have a chance of losing control.”

“You’d do that for me?” sobbed Ed. “You'd come in last place?”

“Of course I would, Ed, You’re my best friend and I intend to keep it that way.”

“Oh Ted, I just don’t understand. I knew this would be tough, but I never thought it would be this tough.”

“And it’s all my fault, Ed. I understand if you don’t want to be my friend any more.”

Ed sniffled and shook his head. “I have to forgive you. You’re my best friend.”

The next day Ted and Ed were at the gate for the last race. Ted looked over at Ed and bowed solemnly. He was going to throw the race and put his entire career in jeopardy for his friend.

When the gates flew open, Ed charged out ahead of the other horses, and Ted slowly followed behind them all. Ed looked back to see if he could trust his friend, and sure enough Ted was far behind the other horses. Though Ed couldn’t be sure, it looked as if Ted was crying.

As Ed made his final sprint for the finish, he heard the crowd roar to life. Was this for him? Ed had always been a crowd favorite, but the love he felt in those cheers was… No! Ted was charging up from behind, spitting and wild. Ted’s eyes glowed like a furnace as he dashed past the other horses.

“Not this time,” said Ed. As Ted approached, Ed gave it everything he had and sped like a demon for the finish. But Ted was wild-eyed and unstoppable, and charged past him to win by a nose.

Walking back to the stable, Ted knew he had lost the best friend he could ever have. In the past few days, he had grown accustomed to feeling guilt and shame, but this was an entirely new low. He had to apologize, even though he understood that Ed probably wouldn’t ever forgive him.

Ed’s stall was empty and he wasn’t behind the stables either. Ted found the stable boy and asked him if he’d seen Ed.

“I saw him, all right,” said the stable boy. “Just a few minutes ago I saw him heading up the path to the cliffs.”

The cliffs! A new wave of guilt hit Ted as he dashed for the path. Never in all his years of racing did he run as fast as he did up that path. Nothing from the last three races even compared to the fury with which he charged to his friend. As he reached the top of the cliffs, he found Ed with one hoof over the edge, about to take the final step.

“Noooo!” screamed Ted. “This is all my fault. You can’t do this because I’m such a horrible friend! It should be me jumping off the cliff!”

“Great. Just great! If it isn’t the worst friend a horse could ever have.”

“I don’t know much,” said Ted, “but I do know that I can’t live with myself for what I’ve done to you, my best friend.”

Ed was crying hysterically. “Its bad enough getting beat in the races where I thought you’d let me win, but I also got beat when I was trying my hardest. And all along you just kept lying to me! My mind is made up. I’m going to jump and end it all.”

“Then I’m jumping too,” said Ted. “I won’t let my best friend die alone.”

“Yeah right!” said Ed.

Ted was crying uncontrollably now too. “I’m serious. If you’re going to go, I’m going with you. Whether you like it or not, you’re my best friend, and I’ll do whatever it takes to be there for you always.”

“Well you’re not stopping me,” said Ed.

“Then we’ll go together.” Ted walked up beside Ed and the two horses looked over the edge. Both were crying as they lifted their hooves up and prepared to take that first, and last, step off the cliff.

“Wait! Don’t do it!” cried the stable dog, running up the path toward them. “You can’t do this! You’re best friends!” Ted and Ed paused as the dog ran up to the edge. “Don’t you see? There’s nothing worse then losing friendship, and if you two jump, you’ll never have a chance to be friends again! Don’t you remember the long hours you’d spend with each other in the meadows? All the good times you’ve had? All the happiness you two once shared? Doesn’t that count for anything?”

Ed looked up from the dog, turned to his friend, and said...

“Hey look, a talking dog.”

The Fourth of July...

2005-07-06T14:30:00.000-07:00

...in a Third World Country.

I grew up going to the fireworks at the Mall in Washington DC. In college (and for a few years after) I would see the fireworks in the East River in New York City. I’ve been living in LA for almost 5 years now, and I still have no idea if there are any professional, free shows here.

There is fair competition to the super displays I grew up watching, though. In the past, my attempts to explain the fireworks here were often met with un-amazed reactions, so this year I busted out my camera.

I don’t know who buys them, where they buy them, or how they feel safe launching them in a crowded city, but the streets of my neighborhood are lit by fireworks for at least a week before the fourth – building in intensity until sundown on the big day. And once that sun sets over the Pacific, a barrage unleashes that doesn’t even start to slow until 11 at night. To my naïve ears, it sounds like war.

My only regret is that I didn’t stick a microphone out my window. That’ll be next year’s project.

The pictures that follow don’t do the experience any justice. Low light without a tripod means wide angles, so the pictures I took make the fireworks look small and intermittent. There’s a link to a really crappy movie file at the end of this post that may help with that a little (it's dark and the audio sucks). Oh, you can click on the pictures if you want to see them a little larger too.

And here's that movie [avi, 3.6 MB].

Excuse me

2005-06-17T00:00:00.000-07:00

I've been traveling, so I won't have time for a proper post for another week an a half. I know this must break your hearts.

In the meantime, watch this.

Shameless Promotion

2005-06-07T19:00:00.000-07:00

It might be shameless, but you should still CLICK HERE.

Unemployed Pt. 1

2005-05-31T14:30:00.000-07:00

Yes, I need a job.

Me at E3

2005-05-29T18:00:00.000-07:00

In case you were wondering what the geek Mecca E3 is like, I’ll do what I can to paint the picture for you. The LA Convention Center felt a little like an airport, but without the promise of actually going anywhere. The wide corridors between the exhibitor halls were filled with slow-moving, pale, and greasy guys (I can’t deny being greasy, but I hate mall-walking speed). Naturally there were a few Jedi mixed in with them, and I assume they were there to keep the peace and protect the Batmobile from Jawas.

Not my photo.
Inside the exhibitor halls, I found the scene less interesting then I thought it would be. I assumed there would be eye-catching and over-the-top displays showing off all the upcoming games and consoles. The exhibitors tried, but I wanted grander displays - less trade show and more amusement park. There were only two exhibits that I thought lived up to the spectacle I was expecting. EA Sports had a huge 360 degree screen above its space, and everyone that walked in couldn't resist staring up for a few minutes.

Also not my photo.
The other was Rockstar Games. They had an large space fenced off and blockaded with a bunch of tour busses. It just looked cool. A friend told me people could only go in by appointment.

"Really?" I said, "You mean people are actually doing work here?"

I can't imagine that the work was anything other then PR for these companies. Almost every exhibitor had banks of kiosks where anyone could preview and play upcoming video games, but they would also have special closed-off areas with tables, chairs, couches, and whatever for meetings.

As for the big unveilings, the new X-box was accessible, but I didn't have the patience for the huge lines to see the new Nintendo and PlayStation consoles. If you want more info about any of the new consoles, try google and leave me alone.

None of this was really that interesting to me, except... if your eyes could pierce through the hordes of techno-tourists without being too distracted by the sheer quantity of shiny acne, the first things you’d notice are the girls. I’m not talking about the one or two girls actually there to look around, but the models.

Definitely not my photo.
The exhibitors at E3 must have accomplished the impressive task of draining LA of porn-star wannabes. The girls were by far the biggest attraction, and they were treated like celebrities by the guys there. Whether on stage or working the floor, cameras flashed constantly around these barely-costumed fleshbots. Beaming gamers swarmed to pose close to them - closer then they'll ever be allowed to stand next to girls like that again. You could just feel the fatigue behind the models' agonized smiles.

A lot of the guys didn't even get their pictures taken with the girls, they just stood back and shot off snapshots of the posing girls like unnerving Hitchcock characters. I hate to think about the damage that was done to area hotels that night as those guys "reviewed" the day's images.

Anyway, after that morning at E3, the TV show I worked for had a wrap party, so I was able to dim the memories with gimlets on the roof of the downtown Standard.

C! in a Month

2005-05-18T12:40:00.000-07:00

My brother plays organ for these guys, and their new album will be released on June 21.

PREVIEW!

He's on tour in Europe these days. Must be nice to be a rock star.

DDE & GWB

2005-05-16T12:50:00.000-07:00

Should any political party attempt to abolish social security, unemployment insurance, and eliminate labor laws and farm programs, you would not hear of that party again in our political history. There is a tiny splinter group, of course, that believes you can do these things. Among them are H. L. Hunt (you possibly know his background), a few other Texas oil millionaires, and an occasional politician or business man from other areas. Their number is negligible and they are stupid.

Dwight D. Eisenhower
in a letter to his brother on November 8, 1954
[via snopes.com]

UN vs. Bolton vs. America

2005-05-12T14:00:00.000-07:00

So here’s my theory on why Bush wants Bolton as the ambassador to the UN (because I know you look here for deep political insight).

Clearly John Bolton would not reform or “shake up” the UN, as the neo-cons publicly claim. One angry and unlikable man cannot reorganize a multinational assembly. Democrats and sensible Republicans, on the other hand, are focused on the fact that he’ll further discredit the US and alienate other countries. This is true, but it’s of little consequence to Bush and his people.

He’d really be there to talk shit on the UN, and attempt to discredit it in the eyes of Americans. Most people here are uncomfortable with the thought of the UN frowning on our country. After all, it’s one of the loftiest and most idealistic concepts in politics, even if it does have some problems. But if there were someone who would say the UN is useless, powerless, and scandal-ridden… well, would anyone really care if they didn’t like us? Would anyone care if we ignored their rules?

I’ve said it before, but I’d like to reiterate: the neo-cons are waging a war with the left and “mobilizing their base” with language and words. It doesn’t matter if the words are true, because if enough anti-UN Bolton quotes slip into the media, then they will become apart of the neo-cons’ mythology of how the world works. In fact, even if he’s not nominated, part of the work has already been done.

His nomination is just another maneuver by the Bush peeps to remove public criticism and checks on the regime’s power.

Not Cool

2005-05-09T11:30:00.000-07:00

Sorry for not posting this weekend. I have an ugly virus-thing on my home computer.

If I ever meet anyone who made, tweaked, or utilizes CoolWebSearch, I will hurt them.

I am getting help, and I hope to have it fixed soon.

Miss you, buddy

2005-05-03T13:00:00.000-07:00

I realize this isn't the place to get heavy, but it's been two years now, and I'd like to think someone may look him up him at some point. The text is the biography we put together for his funeral.

LeRoy Edward Schauer
March 19, 1938 - May 2, 2003

Rev. LeRoy E. Schauer, 65, died on May 2nd (2003) at Johns Hopkins Hospital in Baltimore, Maryland after a prolonged illness.

Born on March 19, 1938, to LeRoy and Mildred Schauer, Roy grew up in Baltimore with his younger sister, Janet. He graduated from the Maryland Institute College of Art, and from 1961 to 1965, he taught art to children in the Baltimore city school system.

In 1965, Roy made a decision that would change the direction of the rest of his life. Having learned American Sign Language from a childhood neighbor, he became a lay minister for Christ Methodist Church for the Deaf in Baltimore and began serving as a Methodist chaplain at Gallaudet University - a role he would continue until 1988. In 1969, he began his study at Wesley Theological Seminary in Washington, D.C.

Roy also taught sign language classes, and in 1970, one of his students, Carole Herlyn, became his wife. That same year he was appointed as the minister of the Brentwood United Methodist Church as well as the Washington United Methodist Church of the Deaf, where he would serve for 18 years. In 1973, Roy received his Masters of Divinity from seminary, and the following year he became an ordained Elder in the Methodist Church.

His first son, Michael, was born in 1972, and in 1974 he and his family moved to Hyattsville, Maryland. His second son, Andrew, was born in 1976. In the summers his family enjoyed idyllic trips to the beach and camping vacations.

In 1982, Roy was diagnosed with a heart disease, and in 1985 he received his first heart transplant from Johns Hopkins Hospital in the early morning of Thanksgiving Day. Due to complications, he required a second heart transplant in 1991. Throughout these trying times, Roy remained active in the Methodist ministry by accepting an appointment in 1988 to Christ Church Baltimore County, and then another in 1990 to Corkran Memorial United Methodist Church in Temple Hills, Maryland. In fact, his transplant experience opened him up to another ministry, and he regularly visited with transplant patients at Johns Hopkins Hospital.

Not letting his illness slow him down, he was also active in the arts. Whether it was photography, water colors, or ceramics, it seemed everything he touched came out beautifully. His sense of adventure and creativity are apparent in his sons today.

Roy continued to minister at Corkran until his retirement in 2000. In 2001, he was diagnosed with kidney failure and received a kidney transplant. Though problems with his health persisted, Roy enjoyed frequent trips with his wife to their second home in Ocean Pines, and rarely seemed to lose his sense of humor.

He is survived by his loving family - his wife, two children, sister and brother-in-law, nieces and nephews, as well as many other family members and friends.

GIS Game

2005-04-30T16:10:00.000-07:00

The pictures are a little small, but nonetheless...

Play Guess-the-Google.

My first attempt - 228. Let's fight.

Frank Lies for a Living

2005-04-28T14:00:00.000-07:00

I've wanted to write a detailed and vicious attack on this guy for a long time, but the more I look into him, the more I realize it would take an entire book. Frank Luntz is regarded as a republican whiz kid for his "profound" ability to find out what people want to hear, and then apply those words to products and politics. At best his language softens harsh policies; at worst his language is a straight-up lie (think of the "Clean Air Initiative").

I invite you to read an interview PBS's Frontline conducted with him for the show The Persuaders. It simply makes me furious, and I believe that Luntz and shits like him are the only reason for the neo-cons' success in recent years. Here's a sample to tempt your contempt:

Frontline: Talk to me about the Healthy Forests Initiative of President Bush. Isn't calling it "Healthy Forests" obfuscating the fact that it entails keeping the forests healthy with widespread logging?

Luntz: Yes, the Bush administration benefited from the phrase "healthy forest." But what do we know as a fact? If you allow this underbrush to subsume the forest, to get so thick that you can't walk through it, you can't get through it, if you don't touch a twig or a tree and you say, "Oh, let Mother Nature deal with it," then you get these catastrophic forest fires that we saw in Arizona, Colorado and in California. The Native Americans, they know how to thin a forest, and yes, they do take trees out, and what happens? A fire burns, and it stops right where that thinning process took place. But thanks to environmentalists who are extreme and radical in their approach, who say that we must not touch anything at any time in any way, we lose thousands, thousands, hundreds of thousands of acres of forests and all the wildlife that was inside it. And they don't come back again. It takes generations for it to regenerate. So don't tell me about language, because "healthy forests" actually is what it means. And you have to understand the policy, and you've got to understand the product if you want to be able to communicate it. You can't just approach it naively.

You should really read the entire interview.

Just in case you're swayed by his thoughts on forest fires, you should know that it's a century's worth of total fire suppression that makes forests so susceptible to the dangerous monster fires. Think about it: Luntz is not only suggesting that the Native American’s kept all of America’s forests safe from fire, but that environmentalists are now to blame for them.

Finally, for those of you more in touch with your inner cable viewer, The Daily Show took a really, really nice stab at Luntz. CLICK HERE! (Real Media).

Late Night Tuna

2005-04-24T15:30:00.000-07:00

Everybody loves sandwiches!

PLUS: He may have learned a lesson in why it's dangerous to give people with drinks in their hands surprise bear hugs (despite what it may look like).

Music: Richter's Agenda

2005-04-17T22:40:00.000-07:00

A guy I know asked me to score his video that he intended to submit to an online competition. The video was originally done as a part of a twenty-four hour festival, but they recut it for this thing, and the deadline was Tuesday. After he had worked out all of his technical difficulties, I got a copy of it late last Thursday, essentially giving me the weekend to crank it out.

And I did crank it out. I spent all of last weekend doing this (with some help doing twitchy sound effects from my friend, Robert). It's pretty much all atmosphere, so maybe you’ll find a use for it at Halloween or something.

Richter’s Agenda 4.11MB, 128kbit mp3
[Not mastered, though probably finished]

The kicker is that he let me know yesterday that they waited till the last minute to upload the finished thing, and the servers were overloaded (naturally), so they missed the deadline. In any case, I hope to eventually post a copy of the movie to my website.

Incidentally, this was a non-exclusive deal with them, so if you really want some creepy atmosphere for your film, you know where to reach me.

Emote

2005-04-10T15:20:00.000-07:00

I remember a crappy hotel in Palm Springs almost a year ago. My friend Robert and I were staying on the first floor of the building, so instead of a balcony, we had an extremely small patio facing a wall that was about 5 feet high. Looking over the wall in the late hours of the night, we could see the parking lot of a neighboring hotel. It was brightly lit and totally empty. The medians in the lot were overflowing with grass and bushes.

Remember, this is Palm Springs. If it weren't for my fascination with these kinds of places, I’d have no choice but to call it a disgusting waste of resources. It’s the desert – the following day it would be 105 degrees. As you drive down the long and extremely wide boulevards you pass resort after resort, and every one of them seems to use water as a come-on. Extravagant displays of green landscaping and towering palms line the borders of these huge resorts. The few people you see walking down the enormous blocks are desert rats – the rich kind, but just as sun-fried and leathery as their trailer-living cousins.

But back to that parking lot by our hotel room, lit up at night. I tried to explain to Robert how amazing it looked to me. It was totally artificial and excessive. Lights beamed down on the empty spaces all night long. I don’t mean to make it sound uncommon, in fact that’s why I thought it was so amazing – it was totally common. These are public places, but also very private because there’s no one there.

Part of this comes from the fact that I’ve been living in substantial cities for the last 11 years. Space is precious to me (especially when I’m looking for a parking spot). Wide open suburban spaces tend to spook me a little now.

I also feel like these spaces are a little haunted. How many people have been through them? And now there’s nothing.

An extra little thrill hits me when I think about potential – like it’s haunted by things that have yet to happen, sizzling with static. When I looked out at that lot in Palm Springs, I got goosebumps. No kidding.

I get this feeling in a lot of places. I remember driving around the vacant roads of the San Fernando Valley doing midnight deliveries as a Production Assistant, empty movie theaters in the middle of the day, parking garages in the middle of the night that would be full by 9 the next morning, amusement parks right before they close, casinos in the wee hours...

This emotion, which I’ve done a pretty crappy job of explaining, is often one of things I try to get into my music. Sometimes it’s the only thing. You probably have the same expression Robert had on his face when I told him about it.

Say what?

2005-04-09T23:30:00.000-07:00

What the hell is THIS?

VGTV

2005-04-03T22:00:00.000-07:00

The television industry has been trying for a while to capitalize on the massive video game industry. I imagine it's a matter of time before a dramatic series spins-off some game (if it hasn't already), but on the non-fiction side of TV the usual rules apply: they want to make it cheap and in a proven format.

The results are often tame at best – reviews, interviews... etc.

There are a couple of snags to why video games do not make good television.

The industry is too slow. Of course there's tons of new games all the time, the problem is that most of them suck. The TV-worthy blockbusters (Halo, GTA, Half Life, Sims) put the regular games to shame. Even most gamers don't care about the dozens of small-time games making the trip from the new arrival shelves to the discount bins, and besides, the TV industry is interested in appealing to a much larger audience than gamers.

I thought they were tired clichés even before I worked in TV, but I still (tangentially) hear stupid adjectives like "urban" coming down from network execs. I think a lot of executives think video games will have a similar impact that hip-hop had a decade or two before. They may be right about that, but what they're failing to grasp is that it won't be the SAME impact. Video games are not a product of a new and unexploited culture (in fact, there isn't much culture many gamers can even share).

Just for the record, I really, really hate thinking in these terms. Media companies seem to think innovation is a composite of buzzwords and commercial meme-crap. I also don't like the concept of memes, but that may be another post.

So if there's no fashion, music, or slang to appropriate, what else can they get? Well, there is a little star power. More and more celebrities are doing voices in video games, but there's still not enough to fuel an Entertainment Tonight-style video game show. For that matter, ET-style shows have no problems covering that kind of material, so why try to compete. Hmm, compete.

Competitions? Unlike watching... let's say snowboarding, watching people play video games is not interesting, even to die-hards.

Video games offer a level of emersion that does not compare to sports or films, and strangely, they feel very personal (or at least they do when the game is good).

You can't expect game clips to give you a sense of the challenge. You can't go behind the scenes, because "behind the scenes" is a bland office with overworked computer geeks. You can’t offer cheats and tips because the internet has better info. The internet also has better sneak peeks and reviews.

So, any ideas for a video game show?
I wish I had one - I’d be pitching it.

Excuse me, Ted

2005-04-01T10:30:00.000-08:00

I could say an awful lot about the Terri Schiavo scenario, and I'd like to rail on her parents and the lawyers for being indecent media floozies, but for now I’ll limit myself to the following:

Nightline Closing Thought
By TED KOPPEL
WASHINGTON, March 31, 2005

What bothers me is when politics and ideology get in the way of logic and consistency.

For example, it's probably fair to say that most opponents of the death penalty tend to be more liberal than conservative. Not all, but many of them would eliminate the death penalty rather than run the risk of executing even one innocent person. It's a compelling argument; but one that doesn't seem to carry much weight among social conservatives. Even though many of them would argue that you have to maintain the life of someone in Terri Schiavo's condition because there is always the chance - no matter how remote - that brain function may be restored. You would think that this could be fertile common ground.

After all, both conservatives and liberals are drawn to the argument that favors the protection of innocent life - regardless of the odds. But often, it seems, this is true only when it suits a preconceived political position.

I typically like the way Ted Koppel tries to corner and call out bullshitters, so I feel someone should call him out. Firstly, he’s missed that the logical and consistent aspects to the liberal argument are compassion and a basic understanding of what life is. Secondly, every time I read this, I get hung up on the right-appropriated phase "innocent life.” Finally, I love the classic we’d-compromise-if-the-liberals-would-but-they-wont argument implied here.

Also, in case you missed it this past week, apparently one comatose white woman is more important than ten Indian kids.

Neighbors

2005-03-28T13:00:00.000-08:00

OK, I can’t really say why, but I’m looking for feuding neighbors anywhere in the States. If you know two families who are at each other's throats, please please let me know. I promise it’ll be worth your effort$.

Contact me at the email address here –
www.diablopop.com/contact

Thanks.

Rebel Yells (in stereo)

2005-03-27T13:30:00.000-08:00

Unreal Tournament 2004 is a multiplayer first-person-shooter computer game, and I love FPSs, even though I’m not terribly fond of getting repeatedly killed by high school kids in online gameplay.

The game-makers actively support gamers who want to make their own maps, characters, and modifications (“mods”), because they’ve discovered that with thousands of strangers building additions to their game, there is an endless flow of new content that dramatically extends and expands the life of their game. The game even ships with a design tool that I assume is the same program the original designers used. I realize it’s just a clever business model, but there’s something incredibly cool and open about the practice that sounds to me like... well, freedom, sort of.

And this isn’t some make-your-own-maze kind of crap; some of these levels and mods are truly professional.

Interested in making music for video games, I posted a message on the UT2004 forums a few months ago advertising myself. There have been a few requests for music from people who may be on their way to making incredible mods, but every day it seems my time becomes more and more precious to me, and I simply can’t afford to dedicate it to projects that aren’t nearing completion.

[This is a strange sensation for me. I’ve always considered myself pretty lazy, but I doubt I could find a day in the last three months where I haven’t had something I had to get done. Nor could I find a night after a day at my job where I didn’t have some audio or writing thing that needed to get done that night. Even so…]

One project came my way recently that sounded like too much fun to turn down. Echoes of Glory is a Civil War mod. Naturally I’m not an obvious choice for Civil War music, but that's OK because they’re not really looking for music except for the menu screen. So what do they want me for? Sound effects and battlefield ambience.

I spent most of a Sunday putting together a battlefield-ambience demo for them, and it was really fun. It felt like movie work. Dozens and dozens of layered tracks of horses, muskets, men yelling and barking orders, volleys of cannon fire, distant cannons answering, bugles, wind, bullets whizzing by... my neighbors must hate me.

Right away, I know I’m missing the drums and bugles I’d really like to have. Plus I’d really like to have some more variety in the men’s voices and orders (that will be a strange day when I go up to Griffith Park with a friend or two and a recorder to get some yelling). But given those things, do you, my two-or-three readers, have any suggestions or cool sound ideas for the Civil War? And John, do you think you could record a traditional banjo song, like Dixie or something?

Music: Untitled Ska

2005-03-19T12:10:00.000-08:00

Untitled ska song (excerpt) - 1.06MB, 128kbit mp3
[Unfinished and not mastered]

Feel free to suggest a title.
Lyrics would also be welcome... if they're good.

In other news....

2005-03-11T20:20:00.000-08:00

Jimmy James lives.

Reality TV Primer Part 3: You, the Star

2005-03-11T19:30:00.000-08:00

OK, so there aren’t that many people that I like who would actually admit to wanting to be in a reality program, but that’s fine because this isn’t really about helping you get cast in one. Mostly this is about what the average participant in reality goes through, so if you understand this, you’ll have a better sense of what you’re witnessing on screen.

In Part 1, I spoke a little about the casting process. I’m the first to admit that I really don’t understand it. Fortunately, I’ve started to see flyers around Hollywood for classes on how to get auditioned for reality... or unfortunately. That’s a testament to what many of these people are like – or at least the ones who try to get on the big budget network monsters. They’re wannabe actors and models. It’s not surprising to find reality contestants who’ve made little appearances on other shows as day-players on dramas, booty-shakers in music videos, pretty faces in commercials... etc.

Have you ever seen the clip shows of the greatest game show moments? Inevitably on these shows, there’s a segment about celebrities who appeared pre-fame on shows like The Dating Game, and it’s not a coincidence that a young Jim Carrey is sitting there talking with Chuck Woolery. Like many of the participants in current reality, he was an aspiring performer trying to get noticed.

Getting noticed - that’s really the main drive for anyone who wants to be in front of the camera (to be fair, there are some people who just want one of their rooms remodeled).

Before I go on, you should probably read this EXCITING ARTICLE.

It’s cute how Ms. Pollo tries to portray herself as a levelheaded individual. It’s not true, but it’s cute. I mean, she auditioned for Elimidate. I also think it’s a little sad that a dating show is her idea of fame, but I’m getting off topic.

The author of that article is surprised to find out how controlled everything is on camera. There are three reasons for why reality must be staged in some degree. The first is that reality programming still needs to function like a story, with every part having at least a beginning and an end. You can’t just have people show up in a taxidermist shop and expect the audience to understand why they’re there, so the producers will have to shoot the saps standing out in front of the shop saying, "Let’s go see how much it costs to get a cat stuffed at New York Taxidermy!" Then they walk in (and usually the camera will tilt up to the sign on the shop, because in order for the production to shoot there, the savvy shop owner demanded both a "verbal mention" and "signage" – more product placement).

The second reason for why everything in reality must be controlled (and it shouldn’t surprise you): most people stink on camera. They aren’t "interesting" enough for TV, and the ones that are don’t usually present themselves succinctly enough. For example, you – as a contestant on a show – might be asked in an interview "How did you feel when you saw your dead cat stuffed on the mantel?" Since they won’t use the producer’s question in the edited program, they’ll train you to include it in your answers, so your slightly-coached genuine answer goes like this:

"I dearly miss Mr. Mittenpaws, and seeing him on the mantle brought back memories of profound elation, and of course, great despair at having lost what was once my best friend. I’m not sure if stuffing him serves any purpose, but seeing him like that reminded me of the mortality we all must accept."

You’re average reality producer than says to you, "That’s good, but say Seeing my cat stuffed makes me sad," because you talk too much. (A producer for a Fox show would say: "OK, but say, I hate my sister for doing that to my precious kitty.")

As you can see, this process very quickly lends itself to creating fake drama for a more extreme story. Get used to it. The producers are convinced that you aren’t as fascinating as their ideas for you. They may be wrong, but they get paid a lot to think like this. You can also see why I think the huge reality game shows are destined for a massive scandal. With the producers creating a story, even to the point of coaching contestants to do things on camera that may seriously piss off their fellow contestants, how can you justify a big pay-off for the winner?

So it’s entirely staged?

Well, every producer and every show has a style. Some are are more hands-off, others more hands-on. Even in the most genuine and humble reality show, some parts will always be staged to condense drawn out scenarios, clarify muddled rambling, and – most importantly, and the third reason why stuff is staged – get it on camera. If you say something the producer likes while the cameraman is changing tapes, you’ll have to repeat it. If the boom operator is in the shot, you’ll have to repeat it. If a passing truck ruins the sound, you’ll have to repeat it... if – away from the crew and cameras – you go to the toy store and buy a water gun because you’re staging a midnight raid on another contestant for putting sunglasses on Mr. Mittenpaws, you’ll probably have to go to the store again, with a camera in tow.

All right. So maybe after all that you do want to be a reality TV star. Here’s my advice:

1) Move to LA
Unless you’re waiting for Paris and Nicole to come through your town, you pretty much don’t have a choice in this. There are nationwide casting calls, but your odds will be much better in the heart of televisionland. You’re friends will have tips about auditions, you’ll get to know people in the industry, and you can get a tan.

2) Be Sexy
I made this the second step, because you find a lot of plastic surgeons in LA.

3) Be Flexible
You’re mostly a character that happens to look like you. Don’t try to give them rules or say what you will and won’t do, especially when you’re in the casting process. Find some way to rationalize that you're playing a character, and then call your family and friends before the show airs to remind them of that.

One final cautionary word of advice: the producers will throw curveballs at you. I know it seems obvious, but it's easy to forget when you're dazzled by the fluorescent lights of Hollywood offices. Almost every big-time network reality show depends on a series of horrible twists, the biggest usually being the premise itself. Ask the girls on Average Joe. The bigger and higher profile the show, the more they will lie to you about what it is. This is why these shows often shoot two “seasons” before the first one ever airs – double the suckers. They’ll also use a deceptive "working title" for the show, or one that's just plain fake. They’ll even sequester up-coming participants the night an earlier show airs to keep them from seeing it... The point is: they’re sneaky.

So now you’re fully schooled in reality artifice. Go get 'em!

Reality TV Primer Part 2: Show Types

2005-03-04T11:50:00.000-08:00

People generally think that the term “Reality TV” clearly defines a specific type of modern television like Survivor or the The Bachelor. But when pressed, most people will also say The Real World came first, and Cops soon followed. But even The Real World is (or at least was) very different from a show like Survivor - that is, there’s no cash prize. In fact, most modern network reality TV is more closely related to game shows in a mini-series format.

Incidentally, Cops came before The Real World, but that hardly matters because versions of reality programming have been around for a long time. I don’t know if this site is really legit, but here’s what they say:

PBS debuted An American Family, an unsettling, yet fascinating documentary series, in 1973. The members of the Loud family opened up their home and lives for seven months to producer Craig Gilbert, who shot 300 hours of footage. Only 12 of those hours made it to television. An astonishing 10 million viewers watched the marital breakup of Bill and Pat Loud and the coming-out of their son Lance. The family complained that the hours chosen for broadcast misrepresented their lives.

I may go a little broad with my definition; you may find yourself disagreeing with some of the types I have listed below. But whether you’re right or not, I include them because my job as a reality Script Supervisor carries over in some way to each of these categories. Many shows blend several of these types, so don’t get too hung up on any rules I might casually make up. I’m also making up some of the category names, but whatever.

Clip Shows [AFV, Real TV, Max X]
As the name suggests, these shows are a collection of found (and almost always paid for) footage, often with a host and a paid audience to laugh at the puns. Yes, on shows like that, the audience is paid. I admit it: I like to watch AFV, but I prefer to watch it with the volume down. Oddly, I don’t even find Tom Bergeron that offensive, but I like the extra shock value that comes when you have no idea what or when catastrophe careens out of nowhere.

Documentary – Descriptive [Cops]
In my mind, both the purest form of reality and the rarest. There’s doesn’t have to be that much field producing going on (“Why did you become a cop?”). Cops also has no teases, no replays, and no voiceover. I like that.

Documentaries about found subjects would fall into this category. Apparently the lack of hot girls is the reason why there are more of them to be found on PBS and cable than on network television, though sometimes a show like The Restaurant will find a healthy mix of attractive people and not-too-fabricated scenarios.

Documentary – Prescriptive [The Real World, Pioneer House]
Though the people may be real and their reactions occasionally un-coached, there’s a one-hundred percent phoniness to the scenario. There’s no cash prize, or “job title” prize, but to say there’s no prize at all is pointless. Just being on TV is prize enough for most of these aspiring actors. You could say that simply living through the scenario essentially makes these transformative (see below), but they lack the how-to-do-it aspect. I should also add that pretty much anybody who’s on TV for more than a few seconds is paid (or advertising something that pays them), but that’s not a plot point in these shows.

It’s probably worthy of it’s own category, but Dating Shows fit snuggly in here. The wee but ever-airing Blind Date and the lumbering giants of The Bachelor/Bachelorette are false scenarios with real flakes.

Game Show – Lifestyle & Performance [Survivor, Fear Factor]
I wonder if these shows will ever fall into a quiz show scandal of their own? Heavily produced, highly fabricated, and a cash prize! Don’t tell me you think Trump really fires the worst candidate.

These are typically mini-series programs with seasons that don't quite add up to the years they've been on the air. I'd also include the unreasonably mighty American Idol in this.

Game Show – Quiz Shows [Jeopardy, Millionaire]
Nothing complicated here. Quiz shows occasionally branch into one-hour mini-series events, but most of them are as regular as your grandparents. There’s a studio, a couple of contestants, a host, and puzzles to solve and questions to answer.

Talk Show – Daytime [Oprah, The View, Ricki]
Often done "live to tape," these show have an interesting flexibility not allowed in most TV. The host is so prevalent, that the actual show content and format can vary wildly from one episode to the next.

Talk Show – Late Night [Letterman, Conan O’Brien]
Though the humor can be "edgy" compared to daytime talk shows, the format is apparently not as flexible. Pretty much all of them go like this: monologue, comedy segment, commercial, guest, commercial, comedy segment, commercial, guest, commercial, band/comedian. Jimmy Kimmel tried to stray with his show (that was once actually live on the East coast), but he’s since been reeled in and now follows the format. Also, I hate the word "edgy" as a description for any media.

Transformative [Extreme Makeover, Trading Spaces]
Whether it’s your body, your bedroom, your body in the bedroom, or your auto... body that needs work, these shows swoop in with designers, doctors, and d-something-mechanics. Build and Makeover shows were once almost exclusively on cable, but network shows like Extreme Makeover and its Home Edition have made transformations so lavish, the cable shows are falling to the side – seriously, the ratings are tanking. I’ve done a little case study on myself, and I think I know why transformative shows are popular: I can watch 3 hours of This Old House, and accomplish 0 hours of work. It's awesome.

News – Day & Date [Local News]
I’m guessing most people don’t think of this as reality. Maybe it’s not. I think my skills could get me a job somewhere in news, so I’m going to count it. Plus, I live in LA, so I'll watch live high-speed pursuits for hours. Real.

Legally, “Day & Date” means quite a lot. When The Apprentice decides to follow a contestant down the street, technically the production must get releases from any stores that end up in the shots. News shooters don’t have that responsibility, as long as it’s visible from the street (they still need to get permission to shoot on private property). They have this extra freedom presumably because what they're covering will air that date on a daily newscast - some kind of freedom-of-the-press newsworthy thing, I think.

Although I suspect it’s got some tricky loopholes, the news can also show pretty much any footage that’s newsworthy without clearing it. The next time disaster strikes America, make a little drinking game about the on-screen “bugs” in the footage free-for-all that ensues. Say, if you see a CNN logo under a CBS logo - drink. Or maybe if you see a “Lonely Man with an Old Video Camera Productions” logo sprawled across the top of the screen - drink. Anytime you watch Fox News – drink a lot.

News – Magazine [60 Minutes, 20/20]
Packed with segments and blowhard hosts, these shows are typically one-hour programs meant to scare the elderly. Not quite as free-running as the Day & Date news, they still get a lot of mileage out of the fair use concept. The segments in these shows are more thoroughly edited, and sometimes they even research the stories a little bit. I recently saw an abysmal episode of Primetime Live.

I guess I’d also have to count the half-hour entertainment programs like The Insider in this category. Even though some of them are Day & Date, they’re steeped in product placement and have a pretty narrow focus.

Prank Shows [Jamie Kennedy Experiment, Punk’d]
Prank shows used to look a lot more like clip shows than they do today - apparently it takes a star like Jamie Kennedy to get them made now. I’m hoping that somebody one day will punch Ashton Kuchar in the face, and I take a little joy in knowing that it may have already happened, because they’d never air it.

Up next, Part 3 of my thrilling Reality Primer - "So you want to be a Reality Star?"

Reality TV Primer Part 1: Glossary

2005-03-01T16:40:00.000-08:00

I’m amazed by how little most people actually understand the television they watch. I’ve known people with vast amounts of knowledge about incredibly arcane subjects, and even though they watch five hours of TV everyday, they still believe that the people in “Survivor” are actually hungry.

I’m kidding. They are hungry.

But still, in my tireless effort to occasionally educate the world, I present to you Part 1 of my Reality TV Primer. This glossary is by no means comprehensive, plus it’s my experience that every show likes to call the same things by different names. Additionally, I may sound a little bitter, but please believe me when I say that I’m like that about everything.

Casting: This seems like a no-brainer; I mean, these people on TV don’t just get pulled off the street… usually. But think about the casting process when there are no scripts to read or parts to play. I don’t know how it works. I’m way too much of a misanthropist to ever be good at casting for reality, but I can say that the first qualification is typically beauty, though in some cases it’s more important to be an idiot.

Cold Open: The cold open is the first thing you see at the top of the show before the main titles. It’s usually the host introducing the show, with highlights of what’s to come. Obviously, it’s meant to make you want to stay tuned to see the rest of the program, just like a tease. You’re friends may be impressed if you say “Cold Open” instead of “the beginning of the show.”

Host: As far as production is concerned, the host is the star. They’re the face and voice of the show. Sometimes they’re involved in the events that unfold on screen, or, if you think like me, they have no purpose. Studios like stars, plus it’s easy to have complicated events cheated with a host who can act as a story-teller.

Host Wraps: [or Host Wrap-arounds] Very few shows try to have segments play without some form of introduction. The most obvious kind of host wraps are on clip shows: there’s plenty of footage to show, but there’s a host in a studio set with a live audience and TV’s mounted at weird angles. I mention them because they require their own production because they’re not apart of the typical shooting on a reality show. In the case of clip shows, the host wraps might be the only production.

Tease: “Coming up next…” is a rough translation of “Don’t change the channel during the commercial.” They’re generally not my favorite part of the show, since the highlights they’ll show often give away too much, and I get really bored watching the same video play over and over again for an hour before it finally shows up in the program.

Segment: In the strictest sense, a segment is a taped piece about something that more-or-less stands on its own. Oprah might show a segment about a woman addicted to plastic surgery before she invites this woman out in front of her overly-sympathetic audience. In many reality shows, a segment is just a small part of the overall show, like when a woman who has undergone plastic surgery gets to go clothing shopping for her new look.

Producer: There are associate producers, segment producers, casting producers, field producers, story producers, co-producers, supervising producers, producers, executive producers… and yes there are more. Whether it’s booking a location for next week, sitting in an editor’s bay building a story from seemingly random footage, or making high-powered deals with network executives, these are the people that take otherwise real people or footage and apply direction to create a story. If anyone ever introduces themselves to you as a producer, just remember that about 70% of a reality show’s staff have the word “producer” in their title, and they still might work in a cubicle smaller than yours.

Voiceover (VO): Another no-brainer, but I include it because I don’t think most people realize how much VO can manipulate an audience. VO can seriously condense long and boring situations, explain things that would otherwise seem to come out of nowhere, and create drama where in fact there was none. Even though most people are vaguely aware of editing illusions (or “camera tricks” if you will), for some reason most people believe what they hear.

There. Now you can sound like you’re in the know the next time you decide to shoot the shit about last night’s hit show before you forget it a week later. Stay tuned for Part 2 - a breakdown of different kinds of reality programming.

Music: Jitters

2005-02-27T15:50:00.000-08:00

When I was picking which songs were to go on The Whammy, I had to cut a bunch of instrumental songs for a variety of reasons. I'll just call this a B-Side.

Jitters - 1.84MB, 128kbit mp3

Music: Earth Proton Whistlers

2005-02-19T15:30:00.000-08:00

I'm going to keep posting little things like this.

Earth Proton Whistlers - 2.06MB, 128kbit mp3
[Unfinished and not mastered]

ISSn't It Romantic?

2005-02-16T13:40:00.000-08:00

Despite being a huge space geek and NASA fan, I don’t see much to be gained by putting people in little metal cans and whipping them into low Earth orbit. This isn’t easy for me to admit. Seriously. Other than sheer desire to be in orbit myself (translation: jealousy), I can’t rationalize any reasons for it, and believe me I want to...

I’m talking about the International Space Station. The shuttle is a whole other argument, and I think I still cheer for that. You see, there are those brief moments, when you’re certain you’ve just seen astronauts do something that only humans could do, something that proves just how adaptable we are.

But the massive costs and incredible risks of the Space Station are a tremendous price to pay for… whatever it is they’re doing. I would like to think that this is just an awkward water-wings phase for us in space – that we’re just getting used to it and we’ll eventually swim great distances – but the program is already bigger than what most people are comfortable with, and it bears little resemblance to an actual trip to somewhere like Mars. From what I can tell, the ISS is mostly an extremely expensive educational program filled with strange assurances that diseases will be cured and new products will be spawned.

I should clarify something though, I do think that humans will (and should) be spreading as far and wide as possible, but that’s a long way off. I’d be a lot happier if all our eggs weren’t in one basket.

All the real adventure these days is done by little rovers and flying giants, and it's far more conceivable that the first ground-breaking on Mars will be done by a shovel operated from Pasadena.

I'm hoping someone will tell me why I'm wrong about the ISS.

$Hit Song Science

2005-02-12T12:25:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago, something called "Hit Song Science" by Polyphonic HMI (Human Media Interface) was all over the news. The service claims to use an Artificial Intelligence to analyze songs with an algorithm and compare them to a database they've compiled of hit songs since 1956 to determine whether or not they have "hit potential."

I believe that AIs have come a long way in recent years, but I also believe that a company will use the term “AI” instead of “program” because it sounds like it can’t be bought, replicated, or (most importantly) understood. Audio processing has definitely become extremely powerful too, but something about the reporting on it didn’t settle well with me. In addition to the all the spelling errors on their webpage, Polyphonic HMI doesn't say if their analysis has ever been proven or independently confirmed. They often refer to "optimal mathematical patterns" that is common to most hit songs, though in the various news reports and in the FAQ on their webpage they only cite one example of a success they predicted - Norah Jones. I’m a bit of a stickler, so I wouldn’t mind seeing proof that they actually predicted her success, as opposed to simply testing her music later and finding out it fit in the scheme.

They also allow themselves plenty of outs, saying that this service is only a tool that must be used in conjunction with human ears, and the song must be promoted well with an appropriate artist. OK, problem number one: “the appropriate artist.” So are they examining the written music, and not the texture that an actual recording provides? How many versions of “I Only Have Eyes for You” have I heard? Because the only one I ever liked is by the Flamingos. I won’t even get into something as basic as tempo, and that’s something that will change quite a bit with every performer.

But they seem to be testing the actual recorded material, because written music does not encompass all of this:

"Some of these event [sic] are patterns in melody, harmony, chord progression, brilliance, fullness of sound, beat, tempo, rhythm, octave, and pitch."

Maybe there’s more to their submission process, but many of the articles and the company webpage say that people and studios submit CDs of the music. Obviously there’s a lot of audio technology that is way beyond my understanding, but to my knowledge, there aren't algorithms that can process a song and determine even half of attributes they suggest.

How about a testimonial? How about one person that swears by it? Surely someone in the music industry believes it really helped. This leads to another one of their outs: "the song must be promoted well." One thing I've learned working in television is that promotion can be spun many, many different ways - usually to cover up a failure. Everyone in entertainment is in search of their audience, and it's very easy blame bad or inappropriate promotion. Sometimes it's true. Sometimes promotion can make someone useless a hit. It's a pretty big and hugely vague variable.

I want to hear some negative responses from them too. I want to hear about someone big who had a huge failure just as they predicted. Have any of their clients been told that they weren’t hit songwriters?

Finally there’s the price tag: over five grand per CD submitted. It’s just low enough that extremely desperate-for-success musicians can afford it, but certainly an acceptable wage for an artificial intelligence (somebody’s got to feed the little apps).

Unlike much of outrage this service has incited, I’m not another whining musician (in fact, my talents as an actual instrument player are pretty sad). Nor do I think there’s some kind of magic in music that can never be quantified. I like science, I like automation, and I even like the idea of some music being made entirely by an AI.

I also have a pretty good nose for bullshit.