Reality TV Primer Part 3: You, the Star

OK, so there aren’t that many people that I like who would actually admit to wanting to be in a reality program, but that’s fine because this isn’t really about helping you get cast in one. Mostly this is about what the average participant in reality goes through, so if you understand this, you’ll have a better sense of what you’re witnessing on screen.

In Part 1, I spoke a little about the casting process. I’m the first to admit that I really don’t understand it. Fortunately, I’ve started to see flyers around Hollywood for classes on how to get auditioned for reality... or unfortunately. That’s a testament to what many of these people are like – or at least the ones who try to get on the big budget network monsters. They’re wannabe actors and models. It’s not surprising to find reality contestants who’ve made little appearances on other shows as day-players on dramas, booty-shakers in music videos, pretty faces in commercials... etc.

Have you ever seen the clip shows of the greatest game show moments? Inevitably on these shows, there’s a segment about celebrities who appeared pre-fame on shows like The Dating Game, and it’s not a coincidence that a young Jim Carrey is sitting there talking with Chuck Woolery. Like many of the participants in current reality, he was an aspiring performer trying to get noticed.

Getting noticed - that’s really the main drive for anyone who wants to be in front of the camera (to be fair, there are some people who just want one of their rooms remodeled).

Before I go on, you should probably read this EXCITING ARTICLE.

It’s cute how Ms. Pollo tries to portray herself as a levelheaded individual. It’s not true, but it’s cute. I mean, she auditioned for Elimidate. I also think it’s a little sad that a dating show is her idea of fame, but I’m getting off topic.

The author of that article is surprised to find out how controlled everything is on camera. There are three reasons for why reality must be staged in some degree. The first is that reality programming still needs to function like a story, with every part having at least a beginning and an end. You can’t just have people show up in a taxidermist shop and expect the audience to understand why they’re there, so the producers will have to shoot the saps standing out in front of the shop saying, "Let’s go see how much it costs to get a cat stuffed at New York Taxidermy!" Then they walk in (and usually the camera will tilt up to the sign on the shop, because in order for the production to shoot there, the savvy shop owner demanded both a "verbal mention" and "signage" – more product placement).

The second reason for why everything in reality must be controlled (and it shouldn’t surprise you): most people stink on camera. They aren’t "interesting" enough for TV, and the ones that are don’t usually present themselves succinctly enough. For example, you – as a contestant on a show – might be asked in an interview "How did you feel when you saw your dead cat stuffed on the mantel?" Since they won’t use the producer’s question in the edited program, they’ll train you to include it in your answers, so your slightly-coached genuine answer goes like this:

"I dearly miss Mr. Mittenpaws, and seeing him on the mantle brought back memories of profound elation, and of course, great despair at having lost what was once my best friend. I’m not sure if stuffing him serves any purpose, but seeing him like that reminded me of the mortality we all must accept."

You’re average reality producer than says to you, "That’s good, but say Seeing my cat stuffed makes me sad," because you talk too much. (A producer for a Fox show would say: "OK, but say, I hate my sister for doing that to my precious kitty.")

As you can see, this process very quickly lends itself to creating fake drama for a more extreme story. Get used to it. The producers are convinced that you aren’t as fascinating as their ideas for you. They may be wrong, but they get paid a lot to think like this. You can also see why I think the huge reality game shows are destined for a massive scandal. With the producers creating a story, even to the point of coaching contestants to do things on camera that may seriously piss off their fellow contestants, how can you justify a big pay-off for the winner?

So it’s entirely staged?

Well, every producer and every show has a style. Some are are more hands-off, others more hands-on. Even in the most genuine and humble reality show, some parts will always be staged to condense drawn out scenarios, clarify muddled rambling, and – most importantly, and the third reason why stuff is staged – get it on camera. If you say something the producer likes while the cameraman is changing tapes, you’ll have to repeat it. If the boom operator is in the shot, you’ll have to repeat it. If a passing truck ruins the sound, you’ll have to repeat it... if – away from the crew and cameras – you go to the toy store and buy a water gun because you’re staging a midnight raid on another contestant for putting sunglasses on Mr. Mittenpaws, you’ll probably have to go to the store again, with a camera in tow.

All right. So maybe after all that you do want to be a reality TV star. Here’s my advice:

1) Move to LA
Unless you’re waiting for Paris and Nicole to come through your town, you pretty much don’t have a choice in this. There are nationwide casting calls, but your odds will be much better in the heart of televisionland. You’re friends will have tips about auditions, you’ll get to know people in the industry, and you can get a tan.

2) Be Sexy
I made this the second step, because you find a lot of plastic surgeons in LA.

3) Be Flexible
You’re mostly a character that happens to look like you. Don’t try to give them rules or say what you will and won’t do, especially when you’re in the casting process. Find some way to rationalize that you're playing a character, and then call your family and friends before the show airs to remind them of that.

One final cautionary word of advice: the producers will throw curveballs at you. I know it seems obvious, but it's easy to forget when you're dazzled by the fluorescent lights of Hollywood offices. Almost every big-time network reality show depends on a series of horrible twists, the biggest usually being the premise itself. Ask the girls on Average Joe. The bigger and higher profile the show, the more they will lie to you about what it is. This is why these shows often shoot two “seasons” before the first one ever airs – double the suckers. They’ll also use a deceptive "working title" for the show, or one that's just plain fake. They’ll even sequester up-coming participants the night an earlier show airs to keep them from seeing it... The point is: they’re sneaky.

So now you’re fully schooled in reality artifice. Go get 'em!