Neighbors

OK, I can’t really say why, but I’m looking for feuding neighbors anywhere in the States. If you know two families who are at each other's throats, please please let me know. I promise it’ll be worth your effort$.

Contact me at the email address here –
www.diablopop.com/contact

Thanks.

Rebel Yells (in stereo)

Unreal Tournament 2004 is a multiplayer first-person-shooter computer game, and I love FPSs, even though I’m not terribly fond of getting repeatedly killed by high school kids in online gameplay.


The game-makers actively support gamers who want to make their own maps, characters, and modifications (“mods”), because they’ve discovered that with thousands of strangers building additions to their game, there is an endless flow of new content that dramatically extends and expands the life of their game. The game even ships with a design tool that I assume is the same program the original designers used. I realize it’s just a clever business model, but there’s something incredibly cool and open about the practice that sounds to me like... well, freedom, sort of.

And this isn’t some make-your-own-maze kind of crap; some of these levels and mods are truly professional.

Interested in making music for video games, I posted a message on the UT2004 forums a few months ago advertising myself. There have been a few requests for music from people who may be on their way to making incredible mods, but every day it seems my time becomes more and more precious to me, and I simply can’t afford to dedicate it to projects that aren’t nearing completion.

[This is a strange sensation for me. I’ve always considered myself pretty lazy, but I doubt I could find a day in the last three months where I haven’t had something I had to get done. Nor could I find a night after a day at my job where I didn’t have some audio or writing thing that needed to get done that night. Even so…]

One project came my way recently that sounded like too much fun to turn down. Echoes of Glory is a Civil War mod. Naturally I’m not an obvious choice for Civil War music, but that's OK because they’re not really looking for music except for the menu screen. So what do they want me for? Sound effects and battlefield ambience.

I spent most of a Sunday putting together a battlefield-ambience demo for them, and it was really fun. It felt like movie work. Dozens and dozens of layered tracks of horses, muskets, men yelling and barking orders, volleys of cannon fire, distant cannons answering, bugles, wind, bullets whizzing by... my neighbors must hate me.

Right away, I know I’m missing the drums and bugles I’d really like to have. Plus I’d really like to have some more variety in the men’s voices and orders (that will be a strange day when I go up to Griffith Park with a friend or two and a recorder to get some yelling). But given those things, do you, my two-or-three readers, have any suggestions or cool sound ideas for the Civil War? And John, do you think you could record a traditional banjo song, like Dixie or something?

Music: Untitled Ska

Untitled ska song (excerpt) - 1.06MB, 128kbit mp3
[Unfinished and not mastered]

Feel free to suggest a title.
Lyrics would also be welcome... if they're good.

In other news....

Jimmy James lives.

Reality TV Primer Part 3: You, the Star

OK, so there aren’t that many people that I like who would actually admit to wanting to be in a reality program, but that’s fine because this isn’t really about helping you get cast in one. Mostly this is about what the average participant in reality goes through, so if you understand this, you’ll have a better sense of what you’re witnessing on screen.

In Part 1, I spoke a little about the casting process. I’m the first to admit that I really don’t understand it. Fortunately, I’ve started to see flyers around Hollywood for classes on how to get auditioned for reality... or unfortunately. That’s a testament to what many of these people are like – or at least the ones who try to get on the big budget network monsters. They’re wannabe actors and models. It’s not surprising to find reality contestants who’ve made little appearances on other shows as day-players on dramas, booty-shakers in music videos, pretty faces in commercials... etc.

Have you ever seen the clip shows of the greatest game show moments? Inevitably on these shows, there’s a segment about celebrities who appeared pre-fame on shows like The Dating Game, and it’s not a coincidence that a young Jim Carrey is sitting there talking with Chuck Woolery. Like many of the participants in current reality, he was an aspiring performer trying to get noticed.

Getting noticed - that’s really the main drive for anyone who wants to be in front of the camera (to be fair, there are some people who just want one of their rooms remodeled).

Before I go on, you should probably read this EXCITING ARTICLE.

It’s cute how Ms. Pollo tries to portray herself as a levelheaded individual. It’s not true, but it’s cute. I mean, she auditioned for Elimidate. I also think it’s a little sad that a dating show is her idea of fame, but I’m getting off topic.

The author of that article is surprised to find out how controlled everything is on camera. There are three reasons for why reality must be staged in some degree. The first is that reality programming still needs to function like a story, with every part having at least a beginning and an end. You can’t just have people show up in a taxidermist shop and expect the audience to understand why they’re there, so the producers will have to shoot the saps standing out in front of the shop saying, "Let’s go see how much it costs to get a cat stuffed at New York Taxidermy!" Then they walk in (and usually the camera will tilt up to the sign on the shop, because in order for the production to shoot there, the savvy shop owner demanded both a "verbal mention" and "signage" – more product placement).

The second reason for why everything in reality must be controlled (and it shouldn’t surprise you): most people stink on camera. They aren’t "interesting" enough for TV, and the ones that are don’t usually present themselves succinctly enough. For example, you – as a contestant on a show – might be asked in an interview "How did you feel when you saw your dead cat stuffed on the mantel?" Since they won’t use the producer’s question in the edited program, they’ll train you to include it in your answers, so your slightly-coached genuine answer goes like this:

"I dearly miss Mr. Mittenpaws, and seeing him on the mantle brought back memories of profound elation, and of course, great despair at having lost what was once my best friend. I’m not sure if stuffing him serves any purpose, but seeing him like that reminded me of the mortality we all must accept."

You’re average reality producer than says to you, "That’s good, but say Seeing my cat stuffed makes me sad," because you talk too much. (A producer for a Fox show would say: "OK, but say, I hate my sister for doing that to my precious kitty.")

As you can see, this process very quickly lends itself to creating fake drama for a more extreme story. Get used to it. The producers are convinced that you aren’t as fascinating as their ideas for you. They may be wrong, but they get paid a lot to think like this. You can also see why I think the huge reality game shows are destined for a massive scandal. With the producers creating a story, even to the point of coaching contestants to do things on camera that may seriously piss off their fellow contestants, how can you justify a big pay-off for the winner?

So it’s entirely staged?

Well, every producer and every show has a style. Some are are more hands-off, others more hands-on. Even in the most genuine and humble reality show, some parts will always be staged to condense drawn out scenarios, clarify muddled rambling, and – most importantly, and the third reason why stuff is staged – get it on camera. If you say something the producer likes while the cameraman is changing tapes, you’ll have to repeat it. If the boom operator is in the shot, you’ll have to repeat it. If a passing truck ruins the sound, you’ll have to repeat it... if – away from the crew and cameras – you go to the toy store and buy a water gun because you’re staging a midnight raid on another contestant for putting sunglasses on Mr. Mittenpaws, you’ll probably have to go to the store again, with a camera in tow.

All right. So maybe after all that you do want to be a reality TV star. Here’s my advice:

1) Move to LA
Unless you’re waiting for Paris and Nicole to come through your town, you pretty much don’t have a choice in this. There are nationwide casting calls, but your odds will be much better in the heart of televisionland. You’re friends will have tips about auditions, you’ll get to know people in the industry, and you can get a tan.

2) Be Sexy
I made this the second step, because you find a lot of plastic surgeons in LA.

3) Be Flexible
You’re mostly a character that happens to look like you. Don’t try to give them rules or say what you will and won’t do, especially when you’re in the casting process. Find some way to rationalize that you're playing a character, and then call your family and friends before the show airs to remind them of that.

One final cautionary word of advice: the producers will throw curveballs at you. I know it seems obvious, but it's easy to forget when you're dazzled by the fluorescent lights of Hollywood offices. Almost every big-time network reality show depends on a series of horrible twists, the biggest usually being the premise itself. Ask the girls on Average Joe. The bigger and higher profile the show, the more they will lie to you about what it is. This is why these shows often shoot two “seasons” before the first one ever airs – double the suckers. They’ll also use a deceptive "working title" for the show, or one that's just plain fake. They’ll even sequester up-coming participants the night an earlier show airs to keep them from seeing it... The point is: they’re sneaky.

So now you’re fully schooled in reality artifice. Go get 'em!

Reality TV Primer Part 2: Show Types

People generally think that the term “Reality TV” clearly defines a specific type of modern television like Survivor or the The Bachelor. But when pressed, most people will also say The Real World came first, and Cops soon followed. But even The Real World is (or at least was) very different from a show like Survivor - that is, there’s no cash prize. In fact, most modern network reality TV is more closely related to game shows in a mini-series format.

Incidentally, Cops came before The Real World, but that hardly matters because versions of reality programming have been around for a long time. I don’t know if this site is really legit, but here’s what they say:

PBS debuted An American Family, an unsettling, yet fascinating documentary series, in 1973. The members of the Loud family opened up their home and lives for seven months to producer Craig Gilbert, who shot 300 hours of footage. Only 12 of those hours made it to television. An astonishing 10 million viewers watched the marital breakup of Bill and Pat Loud and the coming-out of their son Lance. The family complained that the hours chosen for broadcast misrepresented their lives.

I may go a little broad with my definition; you may find yourself disagreeing with some of the types I have listed below. But whether you’re right or not, I include them because my job as a reality Script Supervisor carries over in some way to each of these categories. Many shows blend several of these types, so don’t get too hung up on any rules I might casually make up. I’m also making up some of the category names, but whatever.

Clip Shows [AFV, Real TV, Max X]
As the name suggests, these shows are a collection of found (and almost always paid for) footage, often with a host and a paid audience to laugh at the puns. Yes, on shows like that, the audience is paid. I admit it: I like to watch AFV, but I prefer to watch it with the volume down. Oddly, I don’t even find Tom Bergeron that offensive, but I like the extra shock value that comes when you have no idea what or when catastrophe careens out of nowhere.

Documentary – Descriptive [Cops]
In my mind, both the purest form of reality and the rarest. There’s doesn’t have to be that much field producing going on (“Why did you become a cop?”). Cops also has no teases, no replays, and no voiceover. I like that.

Documentaries about found subjects would fall into this category. Apparently the lack of hot girls is the reason why there are more of them to be found on PBS and cable than on network television, though sometimes a show like The Restaurant will find a healthy mix of attractive people and not-too-fabricated scenarios.

Documentary – Prescriptive [The Real World, Pioneer House]
Though the people may be real and their reactions occasionally un-coached, there’s a one-hundred percent phoniness to the scenario. There’s no cash prize, or “job title” prize, but to say there’s no prize at all is pointless. Just being on TV is prize enough for most of these aspiring actors. You could say that simply living through the scenario essentially makes these transformative (see below), but they lack the how-to-do-it aspect. I should also add that pretty much anybody who’s on TV for more than a few seconds is paid (or advertising something that pays them), but that’s not a plot point in these shows.

It’s probably worthy of it’s own category, but Dating Shows fit snuggly in here. The wee but ever-airing Blind Date and the lumbering giants of The Bachelor/Bachelorette are false scenarios with real flakes.

Game Show – Lifestyle & Performance [Survivor, Fear Factor]
I wonder if these shows will ever fall into a quiz show scandal of their own? Heavily produced, highly fabricated, and a cash prize! Don’t tell me you think Trump really fires the worst candidate.

These are typically mini-series programs with seasons that don't quite add up to the years they've been on the air. I'd also include the unreasonably mighty American Idol in this.

Game Show – Quiz Shows [Jeopardy, Millionaire]
Nothing complicated here. Quiz shows occasionally branch into one-hour mini-series events, but most of them are as regular as your grandparents. There’s a studio, a couple of contestants, a host, and puzzles to solve and questions to answer.

Talk Show – Daytime [Oprah, The View, Ricki]
Often done "live to tape," these show have an interesting flexibility not allowed in most TV. The host is so prevalent, that the actual show content and format can vary wildly from one episode to the next.

Talk Show – Late Night [Letterman, Conan O’Brien]
Though the humor can be "edgy" compared to daytime talk shows, the format is apparently not as flexible. Pretty much all of them go like this: monologue, comedy segment, commercial, guest, commercial, comedy segment, commercial, guest, commercial, band/comedian. Jimmy Kimmel tried to stray with his show (that was once actually live on the East coast), but he’s since been reeled in and now follows the format. Also, I hate the word "edgy" as a description for any media.

Transformative [Extreme Makeover, Trading Spaces]
Whether it’s your body, your bedroom, your body in the bedroom, or your auto... body that needs work, these shows swoop in with designers, doctors, and d-something-mechanics. Build and Makeover shows were once almost exclusively on cable, but network shows like Extreme Makeover and its Home Edition have made transformations so lavish, the cable shows are falling to the side – seriously, the ratings are tanking. I’ve done a little case study on myself, and I think I know why transformative shows are popular: I can watch 3 hours of This Old House, and accomplish 0 hours of work. It's awesome.

News – Day & Date [Local News]
I’m guessing most people don’t think of this as reality. Maybe it’s not. I think my skills could get me a job somewhere in news, so I’m going to count it. Plus, I live in LA, so I'll watch live high-speed pursuits for hours. Real.

Legally, “Day & Date” means quite a lot. When The Apprentice decides to follow a contestant down the street, technically the production must get releases from any stores that end up in the shots. News shooters don’t have that responsibility, as long as it’s visible from the street (they still need to get permission to shoot on private property). They have this extra freedom presumably because what they're covering will air that date on a daily newscast - some kind of freedom-of-the-press newsworthy thing, I think.

Although I suspect it’s got some tricky loopholes, the news can also show pretty much any footage that’s newsworthy without clearing it. The next time disaster strikes America, make a little drinking game about the on-screen “bugs” in the footage free-for-all that ensues. Say, if you see a CNN logo under a CBS logo - drink. Or maybe if you see a “Lonely Man with an Old Video Camera Productions” logo sprawled across the top of the screen - drink. Anytime you watch Fox News – drink a lot.

News – Magazine [60 Minutes, 20/20]
Packed with segments and blowhard hosts, these shows are typically one-hour programs meant to scare the elderly. Not quite as free-running as the Day & Date news, they still get a lot of mileage out of the fair use concept. The segments in these shows are more thoroughly edited, and sometimes they even research the stories a little bit. I recently saw an abysmal episode of Primetime Live.

I guess I’d also have to count the half-hour entertainment programs like The Insider in this category. Even though some of them are Day & Date, they’re steeped in product placement and have a pretty narrow focus.

Prank Shows [Jamie Kennedy Experiment, Punk’d]
Prank shows used to look a lot more like clip shows than they do today - apparently it takes a star like Jamie Kennedy to get them made now. I’m hoping that somebody one day will punch Ashton Kuchar in the face, and I take a little joy in knowing that it may have already happened, because they’d never air it.


Up next, Part 3 of my thrilling Reality Primer - "So you want to be a Reality Star?"

Reality TV Primer Part 1: Glossary

I’m amazed by how little most people actually understand the television they watch. I’ve known people with vast amounts of knowledge about incredibly arcane subjects, and even though they watch five hours of TV everyday, they still believe that the people in “Survivor” are actually hungry.

I’m kidding. They are hungry.

But still, in my tireless effort to occasionally educate the world, I present to you Part 1 of my Reality TV Primer. This glossary is by no means comprehensive, plus it’s my experience that every show likes to call the same things by different names. Additionally, I may sound a little bitter, but please believe me when I say that I’m like that about everything.

Casting: This seems like a no-brainer; I mean, these people on TV don’t just get pulled off the street… usually. But think about the casting process when there are no scripts to read or parts to play. I don’t know how it works. I’m way too much of a misanthropist to ever be good at casting for reality, but I can say that the first qualification is typically beauty, though in some cases it’s more important to be an idiot.

Cold Open: The cold open is the first thing you see at the top of the show before the main titles. It’s usually the host introducing the show, with highlights of what’s to come. Obviously, it’s meant to make you want to stay tuned to see the rest of the program, just like a tease. You’re friends may be impressed if you say “Cold Open” instead of “the beginning of the show.”

Host: As far as production is concerned, the host is the star. They’re the face and voice of the show. Sometimes they’re involved in the events that unfold on screen, or, if you think like me, they have no purpose. Studios like stars, plus it’s easy to have complicated events cheated with a host who can act as a story-teller.

Host Wraps: [or Host Wrap-arounds] Very few shows try to have segments play without some form of introduction. The most obvious kind of host wraps are on clip shows: there’s plenty of footage to show, but there’s a host in a studio set with a live audience and TV’s mounted at weird angles. I mention them because they require their own production because they’re not apart of the typical shooting on a reality show. In the case of clip shows, the host wraps might be the only production.

Tease: “Coming up next…” is a rough translation of “Don’t change the channel during the commercial.” They’re generally not my favorite part of the show, since the highlights they’ll show often give away too much, and I get really bored watching the same video play over and over again for an hour before it finally shows up in the program.

Segment: In the strictest sense, a segment is a taped piece about something that more-or-less stands on its own. Oprah might show a segment about a woman addicted to plastic surgery before she invites this woman out in front of her overly-sympathetic audience. In many reality shows, a segment is just a small part of the overall show, like when a woman who has undergone plastic surgery gets to go clothing shopping for her new look.

Producer: There are associate producers, segment producers, casting producers, field producers, story producers, co-producers, supervising producers, producers, executive producers… and yes there are more. Whether it’s booking a location for next week, sitting in an editor’s bay building a story from seemingly random footage, or making high-powered deals with network executives, these are the people that take otherwise real people or footage and apply direction to create a story. If anyone ever introduces themselves to you as a producer, just remember that about 70% of a reality show’s staff have the word “producer” in their title, and they still might work in a cubicle smaller than yours.

Voiceover (VO): Another no-brainer, but I include it because I don’t think most people realize how much VO can manipulate an audience. VO can seriously condense long and boring situations, explain things that would otherwise seem to come out of nowhere, and create drama where in fact there was none. Even though most people are vaguely aware of editing illusions (or “camera tricks” if you will), for some reason most people believe what they hear.

There. Now you can sound like you’re in the know the next time you decide to shoot the shit about last night’s hit show before you forget it a week later. Stay tuned for Part 2 - a breakdown of different kinds of reality programming.